mother f**%^er

I obviously have this (what do I call it....um????) thing? no......deformity.....definately not.......gadget...yes ...go go gadget go..........(ok i digress). Obviously I have this gadget for a reason. I am realising that it may not only be about my being a mother but coming to terms with my own mother. Yes my narcassistic mother. While I understand she is 'ill', it doesnt deminish what my childhood was about (and how much she still gets away with even today).

Even through this, its not about supporting me, its about how much closer I am too my aunt (who I have developed a very close realtionship with in the past few years, shes almost like a surromom) than to her. She even lied and said my SIL was upset that I was talking to my aunt about it . Initially I got so pissed and then i cuaght myself and thought... my SIL in the US, with 2 small kids, who isnt especially touchy feely......she would even think that way??? then it dawned on me how much she lies. My whole life she probably lied, manipulated, exaddurated the truth etc. Now ordinarily i dont associate it too much, but for some reason, while i am going through this very traumatic time in my life, I got so angry. Why should i have to deal with her drama???? so what if i confide in my aunt (at least she supports me??) Why cant she, for once in her life, allow me to be the one going through something. even now she wont let me. and now i really need it.......................

Arguments suck...............

DH and I argued about a surrogate today................. I know, i am not even thinking of these things yet, but the councellor mentioned that some women do tandem cycles with a surrogate to guarantee the couple of a baby. DH flipped. He doesnt even want to talk about that until the lap. While I understand his point of view, I need to talk..............

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

UU sucks today

Week one.............

I am new to both blogging and having a unicornuate uterus so bare with me .............

I am not new to tragedy, suffering or depression. These things have dogged me my whole life. This, however, threw me. The thing is, whatever life threw my way, i always had hope. I knew things would get better, change or just settle. Having this...what is it.....a deformity.......is taking a chunk out of that view. I now have to face the prospect of dashed dreams which are based upon a future event rather than a present issue i have to move past......

I have a laparoscopy on the 8th of Dec and while i am glad i am doing 'something', it wont change the fact that I will come out of the theatre as deformed as I went in. Sure i may have endo taken away and tubes looked at (which helps for conception) but then what????

The unknown is killing me........................